Must be something in the water

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Looking for What I Want: Envy versus Admiration

This post is not meant to deride anyone. It's supposed to be a look at understanding what it is we really want to achieve in life. I don't mean strictly outlined goals for what our resume will look like at the time our death certificate is signed, I'm talking about intangible things like respect and admiration. I feel like my friends have a good grip on this already, so it really is me talking to myself more than anyone else. So in what could correspondingly lead to multiple-personality disorder, I'm using this blog as a sort-of self therapy session and letting the train of thoughts head off the rails for a bit.

I will admit that envy is probably my weakest trait, and I am sure multiple fables and Greek tragedies can predict how it could ultimately lead to my downfall. I too easily allow myself to become envious of others, whether for material purposes or otherwise. This weakness is one I must address, as it is the reason I often bite off more than I can chew, overcommitting myself only to end up stressed out and forcing myself to lay down and listen to Enya for fear of heart disease.

But in a meritocratic society, material wealth becomes a proxy through which we make our easiest judgments of the merits of others. I myself will openly admit that I enjoy being envied, but a psychologist would probably say that is because envy is something I am wont to do myself. I once wrote about this in an essay on sustainability, as one of the reasons why investing in things such as a new television would be more popular than investing in solar panels or geothermal energy for your home. While yes, the picture quality is better, I'm sure many individuals wouldn't care, but come Superbowl time, no one is going to throw a barbeque around some PV cells or underground piping. One of these purchases incites envy-the other, admiration.

Don't confused envy for respect, or jealousy for admiration. So the question is-which do I truly want? Ideally I'd have both, but either way it also means living my life in the eyes of others, and whether that is right is for another discussion.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

All Good Things Must Come to an End

Summer is coming to an end, so I thought it would be a good time to think about how it has been, living in San Francisco this past summer. This is as much simply for me to think about whether I want to come back here eventually as it is to share with my friends who are thinking of coming to this area what they might expect. There have been a lot of things I've liked, many I haven't. I'm going to focus on the city itself, as my employment experience is somewhat private and also not very applicable to other people.

This is the first time in my life I've really lived on my own. Last summer was highly managed by MIT and the Pressman Program, and the summer before that was simply on campus work with the MIT Energy Initiative.

There are some things of note about this city.

One block does make a difference. Walking around, I often found myself having to watch my step for fear of knocking over a homeless person or stepping on freshly planted sludge, and the next on a quiet block with clean brick paving. My apartment itself is one block up from the ghetto, and one block away from a pretty nice area. The in-between. I'm close to Union Square, filled to the brim with luxury stores and restaurants. But as we know, that doesn't mean it's a wealthy area. It means specifically that it is not a wealthy area and that it's near wealthy areas that don't want commercial property near their homes. Like my hometown. (Although Natick does have this weird everything-you-could-possibly-expect-in-New-England quality to it. Community organic farms. The local ice cream shops and all-brick town center because a historic fire once burned it down. Army Research Labs. A couple of large corporations that provide tension between employer and residents from time to time. The largest mall in New England. A high school next to an artificial pond. A skating rink. A levittown section. A ritzy section. The projects. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming).

San Francisco is small. I knew it wouldn't be New York (which is a good thing) but I didn't realize I'd say hi to someone once outside my building and run into them weeks later at a store nowhere near my apartment. Or that I'd randomly walk into friends of mine from high school who are in the city for the summer. Or see MIT students walking around my first week here (who were actually some of the rudest people I've met. Say hi fools! Shame on you.) It's definitely larger than Boston, or rather the areas of the city are more well-defined. The poor areas, the wealthy areas. The corporate and commercial areas and the residential areas that serve as the buffer zones between regional centers. It's really a nice set-up, and distinct from (at least in my opinion) the shades-of-grey quality that defines the greater Boston area. Each district has a unique feel to it, such as the stunningly huge Golden Gate Park. So it's nice that going to a certain part of the city really means a certain part of the city.

I am not that crazy myself in how I dress (or don't dress) or behave in public. This doesn't mean that I don't support the rights of others to do so. Honestly, I'm glad to know that there is a place where individuals can feel comfortable going out in a tshirt and leggings or completely done up with hair so styled it may as well be a can of hairspray. I really don't even bat an eye now at the occasional naked person.

Complaints! They largely deal with the weather and my true blue East Coast blood. There is nothing like the New England autumn, with the fall festivities and apple picking. The pumpkin patches and back-to-school noises in the air. The gradual transition to a frigid winter and waking up after a Thanksgiving meal at 4am in the freezing cold to go out and hit the Black Friday sales. Did you know there are places in the world where it's warm on Christmas? Like, places where there is no chance of snow? I thought Christmas by definition was cold. There's nothing cozy about a fire, music, and hot cocoa when you're outside barbecuing on the grill. Not that it's that warm here on Christmas. I just miss my summer thunderstorms (it has not rained once since I got here. I think it's drizzling then realize it's the fog.). Speaking of which, the fog here actually does roll in. Even with my studies of hydrology, I was really skeptical about the notion that the fog actually rolls in. But it does. I've always wanted to get lost in a fog where I can barely see 10 feet in front of me, and while I wasn't lost, my experience by the Golden Gate bridge was close enough.

I have to admit that this city lacks the intellectual energy that permeates Boston. I sarcastically noted to a friend of mine that it was because everyone is too busy being happy and enjoying their lives already to care about intellectual pursuits. There's some truth to that statement, but I'll just leave it as I miss having 50 colleges in 50 square miles.

And an answer to the question of "Why are there so many homeless people in this city?" The weather for one is consistent enough. But also there are many programs set up for the homeless in this city, for better or for worse. Everyone told me I'd become number to the homeless, but it's actually gone in the reverse. I considered at one point buying a bag of apples every weekend and spending Sunday morning handing them out. But then I was worried that the apple might be thrown at me or that I'd catch a disease and I changed my mind.

It's past 1am and I'm tired. I'll edit this post later, but I wanted to be sure to note that it's like the 50s and 60s never died. I love it.