Looking for What I Want: Envy versus Admiration

This post is not meant to deride anyone. It's supposed to be a look at understanding what it is we really want to achieve in life. I don't mean strictly outlined goals for what our resume will look like at the time our death certificate is signed, I'm talking about intangible things like respect and admiration. I feel like my friends have a good grip on this already, so it really is me talking to myself more than anyone else. So in what could correspondingly lead to multiple-personality disorder, I'm using this blog as a sort-of self therapy session and letting the train of thoughts head off the rails for a bit.

I will admit that envy is probably my weakest trait, and I am sure multiple fables and Greek tragedies can predict how it could ultimately lead to my downfall. I too easily allow myself to become envious of others, whether for material purposes or otherwise. This weakness is one I must address, as it is the reason I often bite off more than I can chew, overcommitting myself only to end up stressed out and forcing myself to lay down and listen to Enya for fear of heart disease.

But in a meritocratic society, material wealth becomes a proxy through which we make our easiest judgments of the merits of others. I myself will openly admit that I enjoy being envied, but a psychologist would probably say that is because envy is something I am wont to do myself. I once wrote about this in an essay on sustainability, as one of the reasons why investing in things such as a new television would be more popular than investing in solar panels or geothermal energy for your home. While yes, the picture quality is better, I'm sure many individuals wouldn't care, but come Superbowl time, no one is going to throw a barbeque around some PV cells or underground piping. One of these purchases incites envy-the other, admiration.

Don't confused envy for respect, or jealousy for admiration. So the question is-which do I truly want? Ideally I'd have both, but either way it also means living my life in the eyes of others, and whether that is right is for another discussion.